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Jesus Loves You

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Jesus Loves You

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60 Comments

  1. Holmes02

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    “Is he still on that T thing?”

    “That’s a cross.”

    “Across from where?”

    Reply

  2. TuckRaker

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Dear Jesus,

    Do you love me? Circle Yes or No and return to Tina at recess.

    Reply

  3. liavz123

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    because he’s shy

    Reply

  4. Zehnpae

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    About 3 years ago my (ex)-wife and I were going through some pretty horrible stuff. She was basically a lunatic, things were falling apart, etc…

    I was at my cousins house fixing her computer. She’s…also a bit of a nut but in the ‘chakra and love’ way and not the ‘throws her phone at your head because she thinks you’re hiding her blue coffee mug which is just in the dishwasher’ way.

    Anyways.

    We got to talking about how bad things were getting and she tells me:

    “Zehnpae, you’re a good man. Jesus takes care of good people. You’re surrounded by the hedge of Jesus’ love.”

    And then she did this wavy hand gesture around me and went to make some lunch.

    I live in a heavily religious area but I’d never heard of being surrounded by a Jesus hedge. I wondered if it gave me a +2 resist evil bonus or something. Apparently it was a thing.

    Whatever it is, it’s been working. My life has been incredible since the divorce and everything has been coming up Milhouse.

    Thank you Jesus hedge!

    Reply

  5. PrincessPixeI

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    That’s pretty hilarious. I could almost hear you doing a silly little girl voice as I read it 🙂

    Reply

  6. SteamandDream

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    And he neeeds money!

    Reply

  7. bettingthoughts

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    This is very similar to a viral tweet from a few years back.

    Here you go: https://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/tweetsjesus.jpg?quality=85&strip=info

    Reply

  8. zenospenisparadox

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    It’s funny how gods of all religions never tell you these things yourself, and if they do, you just might be a crazy person yelling at passers-by on the street.

    Reply

  9. matrushkasized

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    I hear his father is quite creative…

    Reply

  10. Hayward_TheWhiteHope

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Classic r/standupshots. A sensible chuckle makes its way to the front page. Top comment is stolen from arrested development. Hmmmmmm

    Reply

  11. DawgClaw

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

  12. tbartle

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Monkey loves you

    Reply

  13. MacStylee

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Jesus Loves you.

    Everyone else thinks you’re a cunt.

    Reply

  14. greasycomb

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Lol! Now do Muhammad!

    Reply

  15. carlsonivan

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    No same sex marriage? Even Jesus had two dads.

    Reply

  16. duder91

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Is this supposed to be funny?

    Reply

  17. chardzard

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    He died.

    Reply

  18. readsrtalesfromtech

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    It seems like this was artificially upvoted because this joke is fucking awful

    Reply

  19. s_t_r_w_0o_t

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Jesus,. Do you love me cuz that’d be gay.

    Reply

  20. downnheavy

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    No

    Reply

  21. barbarann259

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    You d guess it would be back in their lifetimes.

    Reply

  22. lamercie

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    I’m sorry, but you may have unintentionally plagiarized this joke from twitter: https://twitter.com/primawesome/status/408308523836006400

    Reply

  23. unrebigulator

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    This is an excellent joke. Easily one of the best I’ve seen on this subreddit. Is it part of a larger bit?

    Reply

  24. Scotch-and-Cigars

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    He just did, by His power through the Holy Spirit, moving that person to share that message of hope, redemption and eternal life with you. Oh, but we’re making fun of it here. I forgot. That’s what gets karma on Reddit.

    Reply

  25. richsarvate

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Here’s the full video of the joke: https://youtu.be/Jt8i1VHAQrQ

    Reply

  26. Effdeeprogs

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    I also try to be an ass to people when they say nice things to me.

    Reply

  27. babalu32

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Well go ask Mohammed and he will stick a finger or two on your vagina, tell you to wear a full black sweat burqa and then perhaps rape, flog and stone you to death. Perhaps that’s how you like it more – less love, more action.

    Reply

  28. ShadeEJosh

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Someone explain this to me. Why is it ok to make fun of Christian’s and of people who believe in God, but it’s a practical hate crime for us to disagree with what gay people or transgenders, etc. Why is it considered brave and heroic to have a abortion. But to say you disagree with abortion makes you practically a freaking Nazi.

    Reply

  29. VirginWizard69

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Not funny.

    Reply

  30. 12131415161718190

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Awesome, I bet this kills with the right delivery! So many places to take it from the setup too.

    Reply

  31. TerraAdAstra

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    He plays hard to get

    Reply

  32. smagmite

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    I went to a party with JC one time. He got hammered.

    Reply

  33. laxman976

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    well the peruvian priest will show those middle school boys all the love they can take.

    Reply

  34. sujhkonen

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    More likely the sun is a god

    Reply

  35. kronkoft

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Jeesus loves you can’t you see ?

    Reply

  36. k1919

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    You d guess it would be fairly bummed if you will.

    Reply

  37. darkbob

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    “I recently found out that Jesus loves me, but doesn’t have the guts to tell me himself”

    Reply

  38. Veterok33

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Like spiritual metaphysical oxygen, if you did nt go, so…

    Reply

  39. Grease_the_Witch

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    him?

    Reply

  40. hooblah13

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    You d think it would be somewhat bummed if you did nt go, so…

    Reply

  41. gman3210

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    It isn’t directly stated, but there is a hardcore group that would be back in their lifetimes.

    Reply

  42. ioxon

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    “Believe in me first… it’s a dimensional thing. You wouldn’t understand.”

    Reply

  43. Pepz209

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    His brother Juan is also the poster.

    Reply

  44. darkenfire88

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Here’s the full video of the apostles going in on Judas.

    Reply

  45. darkenfire88

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Here’s the full video of the apostles going in on Judas.

    Reply

  46. kryptanite_g

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    You d guess it would be somewhat bummed if you did nt go, so…

    Reply

  47. squirrell333

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Oh, but we re making fun of it and return to Tina at recess.

    Reply

  48. whitemage455

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    So then everyone in the writings of the Hebrew books we see Him walking in the Garden with them.

    Reply

  49. ETHBAGHOLDER

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    ((()))

    Reply

  50. overpineapple

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    YES WHY COULDNT HE

    I WASTED FOURTEEN FUCKING YEARS WAITING FOR THAT PHANTASMAGORICAL SON OF A BITCH

    Reply

  51. FastballInside

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    So many mockers.

    Reply

  52. krodemos

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    smug face for now. fuel face burns later

    Reply

  53. Luckyluke23

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    who knew all i had to do was come here instead of going to church… now i feel like i’m blessed for the rest of the year

    Reply

  54. Zip668

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    You don’t want to ask an open ended question like that unless you have time to spare.

    Reply

  55. TattooSnob

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    No bit… just a statement

    Reply

  56. Alddebaran

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Jesus loves you so much that he couldn’t give a toss to throw you in a burning fire for billions of years to be tortured day after day just because you failed to bow to him on a daily basis .

    Reply

  57. victoria_k777

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    )))

    Reply

  58. hyporheic

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    Jesus shows that he loves you throughout the day but I agree that I’d prefer he slipped a note into my locker in his own handwriting written in his blood (so maybe a nice Merlot or Cab) to let me know.

    Reply

  59. poopoo-in-the-looloo

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

    The comedian looks a bit jewish.

    Reply

  60. Anonymous

    January 20, 2018 at 2:53 am

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